I think I was born with a rebel heart.
I don’t mean heavy metal & graffiti & piercings.
…not that kind of rebel.
In fact, upon one look at me, rebellious might be the last word you’d choose.
& probably in a shirt two sizes too big for my bones.
I mean a soul kind of rebellion,
A rebellion against the “supposed to”s,
The “they say you should…”s,
The “it’s normal to...”s.
When I was 5,
I argued with my kindergarten teacher about assigned seating.
“I just don’t get it Ms. Mesenchick. Why am I sitting by these boys when all of my friends are at THAT table?”
She replied, “It’s just how we do things. It’s what we are supposed to do”.
When I was 10,
I joined a flag football team of all boys.
Some boys hated it,
Some boys loved it,
I don’t think I really cared,
I just wanted to make some touchdowns.
When I was 12,
I put my feet up ,on those terrible, stiff classroom desks during reading time.
Ms White noticed within seconds & was appalled.
“Ms. McMahon, you’re not supposed to do that. It’s improper. It’s not what WE do.”
I remember thinking “who is WE? & when did I join!?”
So I told her it helps me focus,
I told her we have to sit in these desks for 6 hours a day & my back hurt,
I told her I get A’s on all her tests & read more books than most people I know,
& I told her I didn’t think the other classmates cared, so why did she?
When I was 19,
I backpacked across Europe with my boyfriend.
Some people thought it was awesome,
Most people didn’t.
“Why wouldn’t they wait until they are married?
Don’t they have other things to pay for?
Do they know how dangerous that could be?”
& finally when I was 20,
a boy proposed to me & I marry him in 44 days.
(sidenote: I told Kyle he better not spend more than $150 on my ring, seeing as I’m not big on jewelry that’s not handmade, but he just laughed)
I guess 20 is pretty young to people,
From what they tell me,
or tell my friends & family.
It’s not really what you’re “supposed” to do.
Apparently not being able to legally drink at your wedding really offends the masses also.
& moving to Colorado without set jobs, a home, or any plan… is pretty stupid too.
I’ve always been aware of my distaste for conformity,
But preparing for a wedding has magnified it in all kinds of ways.
Dresses are my least favorite item,
I don’t own a pair of high heels,
I hate brushing my hair,
& I avoid formal gatherings at all cost.
& now I am supposed to do/wear all of those things in front of tons of people?!
It’s pretty laughable,
at least laughing is my reaction of choice.
On the “normal bride” scale of 1-10…I’m resting at a big fat 0.
At first, this panicked me.
Then, I learned to let it excite me.
It is wildly exhilarating to declare yourself free from all that everybody is expecting you to do.
To decide to be barefoot when you walk down the aisle,
To not ask for trash cans & spatulas on your registry,
& to rest in the reverie,
that everything I am “supposed to do” is all just a big fat lie that I don’t have to listen to.
& maybe just maybe,
I was divinely designed to be exactly who I am,
& to fit a mold made by anybody besides my creative Father is to rob the world of all the things that make me, me.
So this is me charging you…
What are THEY telling you that you’re supposed to do?
& who is THEY anyway?
Is it the media, your advisor, your friends, your family,
Is it your own voice whispering lies so quietly you are unaware that you’re believing it?
There is a God,
Who made you,
Who wants you to be free.
His Word even says it.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free”.
Ask him to help you be free,
From your past regrets,
Your present sins,
Your future worries.
God is always wanting to set you free.
Will you be ready to move to another country, switch your major, quit school, change jobs, or anything in between?
Am I ready to get married?
Oh gosh, no.
But was I ready…
For my dad to get lung cancer?
For Kyle to betray me?
For my loved ones to die?
Oh gosh, no.
Are we ever ready for anything?
Will I be ready…
To be a mom?
To say goodbye to my own mom one day?
To watch my one-day daughters become moms?
Oh gosh, no.
Ready is a lie
& it steals
all your hopes & dreams.
& it paralyzes
your feet from moving.
& it cripples
your heart from believing life is most beautiful when living in the unknown.
Don’t be ready,
Ready is for people who trust in themselves,
Who want to live small & safe lives.
Freedom is for people who trust in the One who made them,
Who want to live lives too big to be ready for.